The Bogus Gardener

Vol.2 No. 68 August 3, 2007

The Bogus Gardener
(Formerly the Bogus Economist)

Good morning (afternoon, evening), ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the first class taught by the brand new incarnation of the Bogus Economist. Before we begin, I'd like to tell you why I decided to give up my prior passion. Frankly, economics was beginning to interfere with my sleep.

The last straw was the news item concerning President Bush's intention to veto a bill allocating thirty-five to fifty billion dollars (over five years) for medical care for children whose parents made too much for Medicaid, but not enough for private insurance. Despite the urging of such stalwart Bush supporters as Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah, the president held firm. The Wall Street Journal agreed, calling the bill “stealthy, slow-motion socialism.” The total cost of the program, covering about six and a half million kids, was equivalent to about four to six months' worth of Iraq..

If this is economics, I'm in the wrong field. One option was to discontinue the column, which would put a real crimp in my fun time. A better choice, perhaps, was to find another topic. Thanks to events like the recent Lincoln County Fair, the hottest thing I could think of to write about is nature's original green party – the family garden. Hence, welcome to the initial lecture by the Bogus Gardener.

The first thing you have to have for a successful garden is dirt. The best kind of dirt
is found in things like front or back yards. I happen to have a yard in Otis, which is known as the most prolific in the area for its bountiful yield of moles and dandelions. If you want to raise cute pets or start the world's cheapest flower market, therefore, you have come to the right place. If you do not like moles or dandelions, you'll need the following information:

Moles are very domestic animals. They hate to move, and when they do, it is seldom far away. The amazing new invention I bought to get rid of my moles electronically illustrates this. It's a gizmo you pound into the ground after inserting the proper batteries and, unheard, a high-frequency sound comes from the gizmo, travels through the earth and drives the moles nuts. Faced with the prospects of becoming completely unhinged, goes the theory, the moles will gather up their belongings and take off, preferably to the yard of the lady with the yippy dogs. That's the theory. In practice, the moles become annoyed and send out a call for friends and relatives to set up new residences. The result is a yard full of irritated moles.

Since I don't like the idea of poison, I researched “how to get rid of moles” on Google. What I found mostly concerned the kind of moles found in intelligence agencies or political campaigns, who also use electronic gizmos. So much for moles. How about dandelions?

If you don't want dandelions, my best advice is to pave your yard (I suggest concrete rather than blacktop). Digging up dandelions only encourages them. My wife loves to work in the garden and, after she's spent an hour or so filling a bucket with dandelions, I can sometimes hear them chortling as they plan their next foray. Diabolical things, dandelions.

One remedy for dandelions, which I found in an old gardening book on a discard pile adjacent to a dumpster, claimed the best way to get rid of one pest is to import another pest which will choke out the first one. I immediately thought of kudzu.

Kudzu is known as the weed that ate Georgia. About the only thing it missed was Congressman Zell Miller and former Speaker Newt Gingrich, both of whom are still alive and well. Miller made news in Macon, Georgia, when he declared abortion has contributed to the military's manpower shortage, the Social Security crisis and the flow of illegal immigrants into the United States. “How could this great land of plenty produce too few people in the last thirty years? Here is the brutal truth that no one dares to mention: We're too few because too many of our babies are being killed.” He made no mention of vetoing health care bills.

Gingrich, of course, achieved fame when it turned out he was so anxious to empathize with President Bill Clinton during the impeachment hearings that he got an intern of his own. He also served as role model for other moral leaders like Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, whose idea of recreation gave new meaning to the phrase, “Call me, Madam.”

Speaking of pests, I found out kudzu isn't impressed with the climate on our coast and has not proven a frequent visitor here. My research also discovered that you can get rid of snails by putting out a pie plate full of beer, into which the creatures ooze and eventually drown – smiling. My drawback is I seldom have beer left over for trivialities like snails. It dawns on me gardening isn't exactly my forte. Flowers may be fine for county fairs, but not for a writer seeking less stressful topics about which to be bogus. I'll return as an economist next column. The Bogus Gardener may return when his bananas ripen.

Class dismissed.
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The Bogus Economist © 2007