Hen3ry

Vol. 2 No. 68 July 20, 2007

The Bogus Economist
Hen3ry


One of the games columnists play is a variation on hide-and-seek where the columnist tries to hide from armies of lawyers trying to nail defamation suits on him. Every time a writer uses a name in a fictional context, he or she had better be sure every effort is made to make clear any resemblance to any actual persons, “living or dead, is purely coincidental.”

Naturally, when people slaving away at a computer are really sure of what they're talking about, they can use names like William Jefferson (money) or Mark Foley (sex) with impunity.. They can also say just about anything about Osama bin Laden, Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro since nobody in government is going to complain about it and bin Laden's lawyers aren't likely to file suit. Cartoonists can also get away with a lot, as Gary Trudeau has so conclusively proven with his adventures of Mike Doonesbury and friends.

It's when people like me try to be wiseguys that the game gets serious. Not that I suspect large law firms in Portland or Seattle are eagerly awaiting my next column in order to scan it for possibly libelous statements, but if I happen to say that some person named Ezekiel Worg is a half-wit and there really is an Ezekiel Worg who happens to have a reputation as a minor genius in his community, Mr. Worg might be tempted to ask his lawyer to give me a call.
To avoid this, I've generally prefaced my names with the word “imaginary” or “fictitious.” For all I knew, there might have actually been a lady named Valley who happened to live in The Dalles or a priest named Brothers who lived in Sisters. Legal action is less likely to happen when I use names like Upchuck or Pfazzbazz, but this opens me up to ridicule as being a congenital idiot, which I deny.

There is one remaining option, first used by the former Harvard math professor and song writer Tom Lehrer, whose “Vatican Rag” caused a major religious debate. He tells about a person who was so unconventional he called himself Hen3ry with the “3” being silent. Using this device, one could disguise our current Attorney General as Alberto Gon5zales with absolutely no fear of legal action on the grounds that no telephone book in the world would have a listing under “Gon5zales.” At the same time, people would get a pretty good idea whom you were talking about. The same goes for Con4doleeza Ric9e.

Yes, there are downsides. The name “Clin10” sounds too close for comfort. So does “G8tes.” On the other hand, a writer might not have to worry about using “Dr. Eric Ker2oack,” the guy Mr. Bush named Deputy Assistant Secretary for Population Affairs, or, as the media dubbed him, “Birth Control Czar.” This worthy gentleman was known for presenting PowerPoint presentations using Loony Tunes characters to illustrate his theory that premarital sex can damage the female brain, making non-abstinent women incapable of forming emotional bonds. He has since resigned. In case you haven't noticed, a lot of people are resigning lately. Some feel the number should be increased.

Although Lehrer might have hit on a genuine refuge from lawyers, it is nonetheless always a mistake to underestimate the ingenuity of the legal profession. A group of sufficiently highly paid attorneys, for instance, might be able to make mincemeat of writers who pictured a character named Par7is Hil6ton, whose early tear-stained release from the hoosegow precipitated a near-revolt among the peasants, who didn't consider confinement to her Hollywood mansion a particularly harsh punishment. The rumor she was about to throw a series of house parties led to a reversal of her sentence and a dramatic kicking and screaming Par7is shouting, “It's not fair!!”

There is a temptation, not confined to the Bogus Economist, to be cruelly and absolutely unfair to Ms Hilton, who has subsequently turned to God and Barbara Walters (in that order) to lay out her new purposes in life. There's an alluring opportunity to pile on “Scoo00tter” Libby, whose bail has now been paid and for whom all that remains is peaceful probation. It's even more of a temptation to add another kick to the semi-recumbent figure of George W. Bush, whose own party is doing everything but putting on track shoes to distance itself from their leader. That people succumb to these temptations is a sad reflection on the vindictive nature of man.

Bravely, then, the Bogus Economist has determined to resist this deplorable tendency and report only confirmed facts about people in both the political and entertainment industries – or, in this election season – both. I shall not refer to Rudy Guil8iani's marital woes or John Ed9ward's hair. I shall fight for fairness in mentioning Fred Thomp3son's lack of military service as well as the immense wealth of the other candidates, currently estimated at half a billion dollars, about a tenth of Michael Bloom$berg's by itself. Above all, I shall be wary of making comments about Rich%^@#ard Che*^&%ney.

However, if I do, I'll be sure to add that any resemblance to Darth Vader or Voldemort is purely coincidental.

-30-
The Bogus Economist © 2007