Vol. 2 No. 80 January 4, 2008

The Bogus Economist
Resolutionless


Resolution for 2008: I shall make no resolutions.

For the last seventy-eight years on my birthday, January 1, people all around me have been making resolutions and for the last seventy or so, I have joined in. This year, after spending decades chasing around trying vainly to keep resolutions, I have arrived at the point where I can't even remember them. So, to spare myself hours of remorse and guilt, I simply won't make any. Read my lips.

All in all, this hasn't been a good year for resolutions anyway. Bullets and a bomb took care of any possibilities for a resolution in Pakistan. In an article written for Mother Jones magazine, an assortment of Iraq experts conclude there isn't one there. In Afghanistan, things don't look much better. Resolution for our economy, if there is one, seems to be hiding. If you have one for the Middle East, let me know. My conclusion, therefore, is simple: if there are more storm clouds than sunshine in the forecast from one direction, look elsewhere.

Next November, we should have a Bushless ballot. For the last twenty out of twenty-eight years, this hasn't happened. We should probably, then, be thinking about the chores for our next president after he or she is done picking up the policy droppings from our current Administration, whose leader has proven conclusively that one man can, indeed, make a difference.

I worry, with all the noise of campaigning, we may lose sight of the kind of superhero who would want to be the Leader of the Free World for a salary only a tad higher than that of an NBA rookie. Some might say the prerequisite is insanity. Consider the problems our next POTUS will have to face, including our per capita debt of over $29,000 – the base price of a Mercedes C-class. And that's just for starters.

In his or her spare time, our next president will have to think about squaring the need of agribusiness to find folks to pick fruits or vegetables with the stuff about the tired and poor written on the Statue of Liberty. If we kick out the tired and poor, we'll have to find people to pick the fruits and vegetables among the rested and rich, which will be a challenge.

Our next POTUS will have to consider another way of saying life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is universal health care, better legal protection and a first-class educational system, although saying it that way costs a lot more money. Finding a person to do this isn't like picking a student for Safety Patrol, especially when we send a bunch of mixed signals as to exactly what we want. An example is the voter who likes Mike Huckabee because he is “a good Christian,” but worries that he's too nice. “I don't want somebody to turn the other cheek,” the voter said, ”I want somebody who'll haul off and punch 'em in the mouth.” Now there's a thought you can take to church.

By the time this column sees the light of day, the first of the primaries will be over and pollsters will be pontificating about what the voters in Iowa really thought about the candidates. I anticipate something like “The voters have spoken and this probably means the end of the presidential hopes of (fill in names here) and the beginning of the hardest part of the race for (fill in more names here). Exit polls show Democratic voters are most concerned about (fill in any one of a huge number of things here) and feel (one name) is best equipped to deal with them. Of course, the future depends on how much money can be raised from (fill in labor union, consumer protection group, etc.) as well as the support of the New York Times. On the Republican side, (one name) has most successfully deflected criticism about his (pick from several) and hopes to raise (fill in number) million dollars from (fill in major corporation, Chamber of Commerce, etc.) as well as the support of Fox News.”

Pollsters, listen up – I don't give a hoot about the religion, personal resources, marital woes or spendy haircuts of the people who want to take over as Head of State. If I had to choose between a gay, atheistic, smart, poor black woman and a straight, church-going, rich, white, male numbskull, there wouldn't even be a contest. Do you hear me, pollsters? And please don't tell me which choice is more likely.

Instead of resolutions, I'm going to make plans. Although both can lead to a change in behavior, plans are a lot more effective than resolutions. You can resolve to stop smoking, but without a plan to follow, your chances aren't too good. Therefore, I'm going to plan for 2008 by setting aside a portion of time to try being more useful. I'm going to plan on de-emphasizing the acquisition of stuff. I'm going to plan on investing some of myself in making the planet more livable. I'm going to plan to be a little less bogus.

Maybe it will help this year be better than last. And happier. And may it be so for everyone.

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The Bogus Economist © 2008