Trouble

Vol. 2, No.60 March 30,2007



The Bogus Economist
Trouble

We are in deep trouble. By “we,” I don't mean Americans or even Republicans, but the entire male sector of the human race. For us men, it's now just a matter of time. A recent report in the Environment and Toxology Journal about a Swedish experiment at the University of Uppsula should put fear in all our (male) hearts.
Frogs that started life as male tadpoles were changed into females by estrogen-like pollutants similar to those found in the environment, according to the report. “Pesticides and other industrial chemicals have the ability to act like estrogen in the body," environmental researcher Cecelia Berg said, "That is what inspired us to do the experiment," referring to her collaborator and lead author of the article, Irina Patterson, also a researcher at Uppsala. In one experiment, 95% of the male frogs became female and 100% in the other. Sure, they're just Swedish frogs, but the scientists added that since the number of frogs all over the world is shrinking rapidly, this could be due to an increasing absence of the male portion of the relationship worldwide.. No males; no frogs – at least so far.
One reason this report alarmed me was I had recently read of another series of experiments in which female ova were stimulated into producing offspring with no male participation whatever. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. These offspring were genetically identical to their mothers, a prospect, should the process be transportable to humans, we might all carefully ponder. Imagine a world where the girl you married was identical to your mother-in-law. Furthermore, so was your sister-in-law, your aunt and your cousin Matilda. Your wife was everywhere. It would be a different world. Imagine the letters to “Dear Abby.”
Of course, the cloning of females would relieve the frog problem since we could produce as many frogs as we needed. All would be female. So would all the world's dogs, leading to the retirement of the phrase “S.O.B.” There wouldn't be any. Spay and neuter clinics would fold since there wouldn't be any males to neuter and male-less females wouldn't need spaying.
Reading these reports made me consider the merits of a world full of females. With the exception of Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton, it seems most women are far less inclined to favor bombing people's lights out than are men. Certainly we can remember Margaret Thatcher, but we can remember Catherine the Great, too. Nobody's perfect. Nowadays, most women appear to be less violent than are men, with the exceptions of lady wrestlers, kickboxers and hockey players. Ladies also less often give the finger to fellow drivers when passed, which is natural since ladies have less testosterone. Frankly, I sometimes wonder about how much of this hormone some female drivers have after seeing a young thing do a three-lane change and cut off some old guy in a Pontiac before leaning on the horn to get the driver in front of her to move over.
I realize I'm getting off the topic of sex changes in frogs, but this is what happens when I get nervous. If pollution can cause otherwise male-type individuals to start developing female secondary sex characteristics, the impact on our current gender-obsessed society would be truly dramatic. Take restrooms. Instead of having only the prosaic “Men” and “Women,” they would have to add a third, perhaps marked “Undecided.” Eventually, of course, there would be just one variety. Sizes in unisex clothing would include “petites” and “misses” as well as Big and Tall - “One gender fits all.” The National Rifle Association would start pushing cute little .22 automatics as well as the bulkier .357 magnums. Many TV programs would get cancelled because watching a couple of men beat each other to a bloody pulp isn't as appealing to most women as, say, Antiques Road Show. And so on.
Admittedly, the Bogus Economist is straying far from his fields of expertise, which are sitting in comfortable chairs, reading good books and sampling various beverages, but this appears to be an emergency. If men are about to become a thing of the past due to industrial contamination of the environment, we'd best start preparing for it now. For one, I suggest stopping wars for awhile. Wars have a habit of killing lots and lots of men – as well as “collateral damage,” which can kill almost anybody. We need all the males we can get - and while we're at it, let's save the women and children, too.
Another measure I'd advocate is reversing the recent decision to remove Pluto from the list of planets. If they can take Pluto, what's to keep them from making off with Mars?
Of course, the best way to keep us males alive would be to stop the industrial giants of the world from poisoning us. Whereas up to now, the world's major corporations have paid lip service to toxic emissions that cause global warming, increase cancer rates among children and turn rivers into septic tanks, once it became clear it might cause extinction of the male species, you should see a turnaround like you wouldn't believe.
Plus, we'd save the frogs.
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The Bogus Economist © 2007