Vol. 2 No. 64 June 8, 2007

The Bogus Economist
Royal Mess

New czars are old news. It's been only about a month since President Bush solved his own unemployment crisis by naming Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute, former Director of Operations for the Defense Department, the new “war czar,” and now you hardly hear a word about him. This is odd, since according to his job description, he's the man who'll represent the President in dealing with conflicts among the Pentagon, State Department and “other agencies” while the more important wars continue. Still, the front page is Lute-less. Nowadays the media are concentrating on Robert Zoellick, the man who will have to jam his feet into the tiny shoes of Paul “Romeo” Wolfowitz at the World Bank.
The press made a big deal of the array of four-star generals who politely told the President where he might put the job and the potential problems involved with a three-star general giving directions to four-star generals (a situation roughly similar to a vice-president ordering a president around – not a bad analogy). However, now the gurus have hashed over Gen. Lute's new position and moved on and I've still not heard any of them point out the most vexing question arising from his appointment: how about the Chain of Command?
The media, in its truly American tradition, put Gen. Lute's appointment in royal terms. The word “czar,” like the name “Caesar,” can be translated roughly as “king.” That makes Gen. Lute either “Czar Lute” or “King Douglas.” I think it's easier to pick the latter. Since King Douglas can give directions to the Defense and State Departments, according to presidential description, it seems only right these organizations should be headed by Prince Robert (Gates) and Princess Condoleeza (Rice). They, in turn, issue orders to General David Petraeus, the highly respected commander of our Iraq forces, which would make him at least a Duke – or is it Earl?
Going the other way, King Douglas reports to National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley. Once you get to “king,” there's not too much room on the up-side, so we'll have to name Hadley Emperor Stephen. Here's where it starts getting tricky. Emperor Steven has to get clearance from arguably the most important and powerful person in Washington – Vice-president Dick Cheney. Looking back in history, there's only one person an emperor willingly submitted to since Emperor Charlemagne knelt before Pope Leo III in the ninth century. So, even though Mr. Cheney is hard to picture as Pope, we could still keep the chain of commands by referring to him in small letters as “his holiness.” That leaves one more step.
Not even the most rabid right-winger would call Mr. Bush God, although some might think the death of the Reverend Jerry Falwell created a vacancy. Instead, we have to construct a hypothetical situation and see where it leads us:
Imagine Moqtada el-Sadr deciding it's time to lead an army or two to the Iraqi Parliament and try persuading Prime Minister Maliki to tell foreign forces to leave the country. Duke (Earl?) David gets on the phone to Prince Robert, who requests King Douglas to ask Emperor Stephen to inform his holiness that somebody has to tell somebody what to do. Whom does his holiness call? I've got it! He calls......THE DECIDER!
If your eyes are blurring a little by now, I fully understand. When you throw in Court Jester Tony Snow, what we have sounds like a new version of Nixon's Palace Guard. The whole idea of giving titles to coordinators who coordinate what should have been coordinated four years ago strikes many as absurd, probably because we know the remedy for fixing a regular mess isn't making it a royal mess.
Some situations require thought adjustment with the emphasis on thought – and adjustment. Since there hasn't been a notable amount of either on public display of late, the Bogus will take a chance and offer a couple of relatively simple remedies:
We might start by getting rid of the monarchy (note this well, media). The President feels we need somebody else to share the blame. This is called a scapegoat, not a czar. General Petraeus is just a general. Emperor Hadley is just a Steve and his holiness is just a - Richard. This doesn't mean there isn't room here and there for some royal touches. I can readily relish the coronation of Rose Princesses, Duke Ellington, Count Basie, Queen Latifah or even someone formerly known as Prince. As far as our government, however, I'd just as soon stick with the concept of "Mr. President." At present, we have a man in the White House who has shown himself capable of screwing up just as badly as some of us have. Sure, the stakes are higher, but when our kids screw up, we tell them to admit it, apologize and try to do better. The least we can do is expect the same from ourselves and the people we pick to lead us.
If Russia got rid of its czars, we should be able to. As a mater of fact, we could show them how it should be done. As far as titles are concerned, with Fathers' Day coming up, that one is plenty for me
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The Bogus Economist © 2007