Blazing Saddle(back)

THE BOGUS ECONOMIST
August 18,2008

Now that our two major presidential candidates have dutifully bowed before the altar of Orange County's Saddleback Baptist Church in an effort to win the votes of Christian evangelicals, perhaps we can step back and ask a couple of pertinent questions about our political system. Pastor Rick Warren, by now even more of a household word than previously, hosted Barack Obama and John McCain in the first face-to-face comparison of views on abortion, the economy and lots of other matters important to Evengelicals, including those who supposedly agree that Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion.

There were lots more minutes taken up with the economy and abortion than with the war or, for that matter, God. This is understandable, since Christianity prohibits killing in no uncertain terms and mentions something about rich men and camels both having trouble getting through eyes of needles and/or into heaven. These topics are pertinent since Pastor Warren is under pressure to disavow one of his more well-off congregants, Rupert Murdoch, for his alleged ownership of a number of European porn channels (no comments) and everyone knows starting wars on doubtful grounds isn't as immoral as adultery. That said, we have to give the gold (and silver) medal to Mr. McCain for his ringing statement that life begins "at conception."

If I were a lawyer listening to the Saddleback Warren Report, I'd take my wife out to dinner and buy a new outfit for each of my kids. Nothing since Affirmative Action brought the promise of so much legal action as McCain's position on pro-life. Consider a couple of possible cases:

1. Joanne "Bubbles" Murphy and her new husband, Harold, celebrate their honeymoon by checking into the Hotel Hotshot. They reserve the Honeymoon Suite and order the finest dinner and breakfast package the hotel offers. The next morning, after a highly passionate night, they come down for their honeymoon champagne breakfast, which was served by George after being prepared by Charles. Unbeknownst to "Bubbles," she is pregnant.
Anyone who has hefted a bottle of champagne (or beer) knows what's written on the label. Drinking alcohol for pregnant women carries the risk of birth defects. Inside "Bubbles" is a human being who, because of the champagne, is at risk of being born deformed. Could Joanne be arrested for child abuse? How about endangerment? Was George an accomplice? How about Charles? Perhaps Harold could be taken in, too, for escorting her into the bar. Multiply something like this by millions. What a bonanza for the legal profession!!

2. A couple of months after the honeymoon, a group of women at Joanne's workplace decide to throw a baby shower. Ten of them get together with the mother-to-be for a couple of hours of festivity, hors d'oeuvres and gossip. Some of them are smokers and the weather is lousy, do they don't go out on the porch.
You know what's written on the pack. Cancer, emphysema and lots of other stuff. Oh, yes, there's something there about pregnant women. How many of the ladies should go to the hoosegow?


See what I mean? Lawyers of the world, unite! There's a gold mine here. If life begins at conception, there's no way of knowing how many people should be charged when a lady gets on the bus. Are all children free or only those who have been born? Where's the cut-off age? Some places charge for all children. Does a person have an obligation to declare her pregnancy before going through the turnstile?

I know some of this sounds pretty silly, but have you checked out some of the laws we have on the books? In Cedar City, Utah, it's against the law to drink beer if your shoelace is untied. You need a hunting license in Cleveland to catch mice. You can't tie a giraffe to a streetlight or telegraph pole in Atlanta. And you think people won't go crazy if Uncle John's ideas catch on?

Frankly, I'm a little tired of all the dancing about what people believe in God-wise. That's their own business. If evangelicals want to invite McCain or Obama to answer questions, let them have the candidates make a CD and distribute it at Sunday services. It would be a hell of a lot cheaper.

I'm more interested in what these guys are going to do about the skyrocketing cost of food, the colossal rip-offs by tax cheats and the insane foreign policies that are passing for leadership. I have a great idea. How about rendering unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's?

God knows that would be a relief.